I was once involved in a counseling situation related to a relatively minor conflict between two individuals that over time grew into deep seeded anger. It eventually involved the spouses as well. After a year or more of struggle, several counseling sessions and some attempts at resolution, a final session was called. The stated desire by one party was to pursue peace and seek restoration of relationship cautiously while the other seemed doubtful that restoration was possible. It was a difficult, but productive conversation where each party spoke their mind. However, the philosophy regarding the path toward peaceful relationships each couple possessed were drastically different.
Among the couple who were unsure, there was a response by the husband stating that as a couple they didn’t have a personal problem with the individuals, but were simply indifferent toward them. Each couple was deeply involved in their small church and regular interaction was required. The indifferent response of the indifferent couple seemed to indicate that they neither desired relationship nor considered pursuing relationship as a critical part of relational health within the body of Christ.
Their comfort and confidence in this approach raised a few questions as I considered their position. Can a believer be indifferent in a relationship where they have ongoing interaction in a church body? Is there a such thing as being completely indifferent? Was the other couple wrong in their optimism or have unrealistic expectations? What does the Bible say about how believers are to operate? Is there a biblical allowance for indifference between believers?
More Common Than We Realize
Indifference plays out in relationships among family, business relationships, and church members frequently. Here is a common scenario in the church:
First: One person offends another or doesn’t click with their upbringing, personality, worldview, parenting style, leadership style, clothing choice, etc. When conflict erupts among those whose lives or occupations intermingle, (as in membership, team leaders or staff) then the stakes are even higher.
Side note: Diversity in the church is common and should be expected. Not everyone in church will be best friends. However common grace should be extended to all. The Apostle Paul urges this in his epistles.
Next: It may be that two individuals just “don’t click”. Ideally, this would mean trying to find common ground and extending grace to appreciate each other where possible. In too many cases it causes one or both to find reasons to be offended.
Then: Typically, one or both of the individuals withdraw from relationship and may attempt to seek indifference. One or both compensate by finding ways to avoid each other in the hallways of the church.
Further: Passive aggressive comments start to brew. Emotionally charged, but veiled, conversations are sometimes shared as prayer requests. Those around them that once fellowshipped together have to choose a side or awkwardly maneuver the individuals to help them not interact or generate deeper conflict.
Furthermore: Things start to get weird but most people adjust to the new “normal”. Some move on and try to let things heal naturally, and with others it leads to separation, continued hurt feelings and bitterness. This conflict likely extends to others in a church and causes strife if not addressed early and in a biblical fashion.
Ultimately: If unaddressed, either party may move on to permanent separation or they may erupt in anger, wreaking havoc and leaving a trail of hurt and pain in their wake. Some combination of this could occur as well.
Will Indifference produce healthy relationships?
Can two people successfully live out a healthy Christian life/relationship with indifference? Let’s start by defining indifference:
Indifference – N. the trait of remaining calm and seeming not to care; a casual lack of concern apathy, numbness, spiritlessness Type of: passiveness, passivity
Here are a few points as we dig into the etymology of the word from a grammtical standpoint. This is fortunately one of the simpler words in the English language. The Latin root of “in” meaning not and “differe” meaning to carry away or to differ. The interesting thing to note here is how the lexicographers have chosen to define it. It is defined as a trait involving calm behavior and gives and “appearance” of the lack of care. It does not say “does not care”. Inherent in the word is the inability to prove or disprove a person caring. It is only an appearance not a definitive or empirical statement.
To the question of “Can a person be indifferent?” It is unknowable, definitively. We must concede that It may be possible for a person to truly not care. However, based on the outward evidence it seems highly unlikely that a person who states they are indifferent is truly without any care or angst in a relationship. Indifference is the active and intentional pursuit to abandon care for a person or situation, therefore logically it leans toward the realm of anger, hurt, despondency, and bitterness rather than love.
Having examined the basic etymology, let’s look at the biblical evidence of indifference. According to this definition there is an internal component and an external component to indifference. The internal is the actual state of the person’s thought and feelings. The external component is the outward expression, displayed emotion or lack of emotion in this case. Therefore, we will break down what the Bible says about how we are to think about one another but also treat one another to address both concerns.
Fear of Man and Indifference
Before moving forward we must clarify the concept of indifference versus being unaffected. The Scriptures speak to not being affected by the deeds of men and keeping our eyes fixed on Christ as our hope and therefore not fearing man for what he may or may not do to us.
“Regarding other people, our problem is that we need them (for ourselves) more than we love them (for the glory of God).” ― Edward T. Welch, When People are Big and God is Small
Indifference seems distinctly different than fear of man. Indifference is a chosen action and attitude based on the existing actions of others. As a result of this action, a person decides something about the other person and not the circumstance alone. In other words, a person may be unaffected by a harsh word from someone, but to become indifferent toward that person means that person chooses to attribute a heart attitude and method of treating that person as a result. A chosen heart attitude of indifference is the antithesis of love and therefore is an affront to the Imago Dei. God loves with equality in his triune nature and demonstrates that love toward His creation through Christ. (Romans 8)
Internal: Knowing the Heart
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The internal component of indifference speaks to the heart attitude of the person toward another. A key thing Scripture teaches is that the “heart is deceitful above all things”. (Jer. 17:9) We know that the heart cannot be trusted and therefore, in humility, acknowledgement is required that a person may or may not know the depth of their struggle. You’ve heard it said, “the more you know the more you realize how little you know”. As a person begins to examine their heart they typically begin to realize they actually cannot fully know the depth of their own wickedness. This knowledge often produces humility and openness emotionally to experience love in light of their own depravity. The desired result is emotional maturity, openness and joy in the Gospel. Conversely to pursue indifference is to not see clearly enough to admit and acknowledge the struggle with anger or bitterness. Indifference is therefore emotionally immature, often closed, and lacking in joy.
See This Segment from “Saving The Modern Soul“. It captures from a secular viewpoint the essence of emotional immaturity.
We Were Created To Love
Another thing Scripture teaches is that humanity was created to love and care. Because of the fall, this is profoundly broken and misapplied as the Jeremiah passage indicates. Hate is closer to love than indifference because it is often more emotionally exposed. Hate demonstrates that anger is in direct correlation to their emotional engagement in that relationship. This is readily seen in marital conflict. The reason people are hurt, angry, and sometimes vengeful is because two people love each other and the offenses and sins are emotionally challenging and require that forgiveness not indifference win for love to thrive.
We were created to feel and emote. We were also created to express those feelings and emotions in a Godly way. Indifference is an attempt to mitigate or remove emotion toward a person or circumstance. Beginning in Genesis, the Bible teaches that humanity was designed and created to love. Believers are called to love the stranger and the foreigner as one of our own. Therefore, indifference toward someone with whom we are in relationship is clearly unacceptable according to Scripture.
The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the LORD your God. – Leviticus 19:34
He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.” – Luke 10:24
Consider again the words of Ed Welch on the matter of relationships and love. “God’s love is a costly love. It never takes the easy path away from relationships. Instead, it plots how to move towards other people. It thinks creatively of ways to surprise them with love.”
― Edward T. Welch, When People Are Big and God is Small
We Live In Selfishness
We struggle with loving one another in Christ because it is difficult. Sometimes it seems nearly impossible. It is downright ugly and hard to love people the way Jesus requires. We defend our indifference because we are prideful. Many flee the struggle and give up the fight because the emotional pain of confronting it becomes too much to bear, or so they think. (1 Cor. 10:13) We fail to realize that indifference is not encapsulated within a conflicted relationship, it effects every relationship connected to it.
This is why apathy, indifference and ambivalence are enemies of a healthy faith community. It is difficult for people or churches to sustain relational health with these traits defining their relationships. This kind of toxicity will destroy good churches and hurt individuals if allowed to fester, grow and thrive without intervention, prayer and counsel to the contrary. The heart is wicked as mentioned earlier. Therefore, Paul admonishes us toward this:
1 Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, 2 make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. 3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. – Philippians 2:1-4
Hate has many forms. If indifference is an attempt to un-love someone it is suspect of being one of those forms. If that holds true, then 1 John hammers home the point in no uncertain terms.
If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. – 1 John 4:20
According to these passages it seems a person cannot claim to be following in Christ-like humility and insist on being indifferent toward another person or circumstance. This is a strong word to us. John is warning, no, pleading with us to pursue love in the construct of relationship at all cost.
- In what ways are you struggling to to love?
- What have you had to lay down in terms of pride for the sake of love?
- Have you ever been confronted with someone “indifferent” toward you or someone you know? What was the result? What did you learn?
Part two will explore the external struggles, what they look like and a few biblical methods to consider in prevention and correction of indifference. You will also be interested in the conclusion of the story regarding the conflicted relationships.