Here, we are going to look to the external components of how indifference looks and some methods for addressing, examining and overcoming it personally and corporately. We are moving forward from the dangers and how to identify indifference to how to combat and work through it. In the last post we examined the internal components that essentially generate indifference now let’s turn to how it shows up.
External: Knowing How To Act
__________________________________________________
The external component of indifference speaks to how individuals relate to one another in the body of Christ. These are the Biblical actions we are called to perform toward one another as we live and operate together in community. There are a few distinctions for believers who relate to one another from how we relate to those outside the body of Christ. Not that one is loved more or less, but that in Gospel community we are called to love one another more specifically.
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” – Colossians 3:13
“Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” – Ephesians 4:3
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:32
“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” – John 13:35
Be Relentless in Love
There are practical benefits of indifference in the short-run. It is easier to seek apathy and avoid the pain of working through conflict, hurt and sin of others. To do so may mean that person may have to examine their own sinfulness and humanity resists that desire of self-exploration and humility apart from the work of the Holy Spirit. But how do we know we are not falling prey to indifference?
Consider these words:
“Forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises:
“I will not think about this incident.”
“I will not bring up this incident again or use it against you.”
“I will not talk to others about this incident.”
“I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.”
By making and keeping these promises, you tear down the walls that stand between you and your offender. You promise not to dwell on or brood over the problem, nor to punish by holding the person at a distance. You clear the way for your relationship to develop unhindered by memories of past wrongs. This is exactly what God does for us, and it is what he commands us to do for others.”
― Ken Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
Forgiveness differs from indifference in some key ways, though it could be easily misleading in appearance at times. One, indifference chooses to not think about the person whereas forgiveness requires that each thought is conscientiously considered and intentionally surrendered to God. Two, indifference will crop up in speech and relationships, where forgiveness intentionally seeks to guard the integrity of the other person and seeks to build up and encourage. Three, indifference is the pursuit of lack of care and resistance of relationship where forgiveness requires movement toward one another in healthy relationship in Christ-like love.
So, how should church members and leaders respond when faced with a person or persons who claim they are indifferent to a problem or a person? What can they do to help intervene and be pro-active in the pursuit of peace and loving relationships? Believers must carry the torch of forgiveness and hold the light toward each other resisting the temptation to surrender to indifference or any of it’s common companions. Here are a few things to consider.
Preventing Indifference
1. Recognize the signs 2. Deal with it early 3. Insist on biblical thinking
SIGNS:
What are the signs of indifference?
The signs of indifference are reflective of the inward heart and the outward expressions or lack of expression. They can be insidious as the issue has a general outward appearance of tranquility and calm.
Outward signs of inward attitude struggle include:
- Removal of fellowship
- Reduced communication
- Resisting camaraderie
- Refraining from empathy
Outward signs of external indifference struggle include:
- Passivity
- Quiet judgement of motives/intentions
- Noticeable avoidance
- Unwillingness to explore the hurts/sins (self and others)
DEALING:
How do you deal with indifference early?
- Involve all people effected
- Include leadership early
- Invite dialogue / interaction
- Instruction from Scripture
- Insist on accountability
THINKING:
It is the role of the Holy Spirit to change the way a person thinks, however you can assist a willing person to alter their thoughts to unlock indifference and break down the walls that prevent peace in relationships.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. – Philippians 4:8
– Request help
For the person desiring prevent or stay off indifference the first step in thinking rightly is to get help. Ask a friend or leader to help you identify the indifference and discover where and how it is effecting your relationships.
– Replace apathy for activity
Since one of the key indicators of indifference is resisting relationship in lieu of apathy or ambivalence, the person wishing to overcome indifference should make the first move to a healthy type of activity in relationship. Depending on the depth of the hurt which caused the conflict, use the outside help to define what healthy interaction looks like. This could be a courteous greeting intentionally sought after or an invitation to coffee. The interaction should be non-threatening and should consider the other person’s feelings and sensibilities. Continue to intentionally build relationship and look for ways to find common ground in a healthy manner.
Overcoming Indifference
How does a person overcome indifference?
– Pray
Prayer is our key to seeing God and viewing circumstances in a biblical manner. Also, pray for those who hurt you. Ask God to give you grace for them recognizing that your sin is in no way better than theirs. Ask God for a softened heart and an ability to see the other person as God does. Look for things to pray about and how to consider the other person’s needs. It is hard to be indifferent if those prayers are uttered in a heartfelt manner.
– Probe
Probe your heart and attitude. Examine your motives for indifference. Look into your own life and ask of yourself what thoughts, words and deeds are contributing to the issue in the relationship. Seek ways to know what the cause of indifference may be. Seek to discover your inner motivation and hurt or insecurity that is keeping you from forgiving and loving the person you are in conflict with. Ask others to dig deep into your life and examine your heart with you. If you can, go to the person you are in conflict and ask them to clearly define how they see you and how you can work to improve the relationship. These steps require significant humility and grace to do
– Pursue
Similar to the statement above regarding activity. Be sure to pursue the person to whom you are struggling with indifference. You will not feel like it but the pursuit is an act of humility and admission of the struggle. Also, pursue help with the struggle. Do not fight it alone but seek out wise counsel who will pray and hold you accountable for the issue.
Correcting Indifference
What is required by leadership to assist people claiming indifference to move beyond it and toward healthy relationships? First and foremost the individuals involved have to desire to address these issues. If they do not, then that is a matter of discipline related to repentance and forgiveness. Assuming individuals desire to address the concern of indifference, the following may be a simple outline to assist in uprooting the problem.
When a person enters into a process of correction, be sure to clearly and definitively define the process, time and any consequences the may be involved. This is important for accountability if they abandon that process. Set clear expectations that perfection is not the goal but sanctification in grace and the increase of peace in the conflicted relationships over time. Individuals in submission to a process of conflict resolution and sanctification will make errors.
The key difference is the movement toward self-recognition of these errors and a growing ability to recognize and address them as they arise rather than allowing the behavior or sin to grow. This involves admission, confession, and seeking out any offended persons. We all have blind spots and character flaws. Perfection will never be attained. However, when a person is able to seek forgiveness then grace reigns. If the offended person cannot or will not receive that confession then that sin has to be addressed for its own merits.
As a leader or counselor, remember it is okay to acknowledge mutual hurt. It is gracious and compassionate to acknowledge that the hurt is real and sins committed were not acceptable. It is likewise good to acknowledge how the sins are being addressed clearly yet without unnecessary detail that would harm or jeopardize the other person’s trust or process. This can be clearly stated in the expectations presented early in the process.
What You Can Say
- Acknowledge the hurt the offense the other caused
- Affirm the need for accountability for such offenses
- Ascribe a plan of action that will be taken
(IE. We are going to meet and discuss this and expect to hear directly from the person or from us with an update in X amount of time) - Assuage fear and encourage trust in God and the relationship
What You Should Protect
- Present the facts only and do not draw conclusions
- Provide counsel and advice that is focused on the root causes not the presenting problems
- Promise to do all in your power to fight for truth but acknowledge human frailty.
Also, remember the goal is peaceful relations. Outside of marriage conflict, conflicted relationships do not need to result in a intimate or close friendship. That would be an ideal outcome, but not a requirement. Mutual respect, and a Godly pursuit of love, kindness, and grace is all that can be expected. The degree to which relationship must be friendly is generally commensurate with how much they have to interact in life. Biblical relations only require that they individuals maintain peace and grow in compassion and understanding of one another in a mature fashion which precludes sinful behaviors and attitudes.
1. Accountability
When dealing with the insidious nature of this type of anger, it lies well below the surface and like a river cannot be controlled but can only be steered and navigated. Accountability for external actions is about the only measure that can be provided by a friend or church leader. This accountability should be in proportion to the nature of the problem and monitored with regularity and transparency for all involved.
2. Transparency
When seeking to overcome indifference it is important to be completely transparent with the issue and with the struggle to disconnect from the person or situation. Be willing to admit the struggle once it is known. Find that person who will listen and provide Godly counsel that focuses the heart on truth and Scripture. Lastly, the person who is being sinned against in this instance of indifference should be confessed to at the appropriate time and allowed to exercise confession and transact forgiveness where possible.
3. Discipline
When there are break downs in the process or when there is a temptation to abandon the process discipline will be necessary. This discipline should be for correction of the issue not for punishment. The discipline should fit the situation and will require a great deal of humility to administer. The goal here is not separation of relationship but the restoration of it. Redemption is the goal and it may take a great deal of discipline before improvement can be made.
The Path Forward
In regard to the example presented in part 1, there was no happily ever after. The individual’s statement of indifference and underlying anger and bitterness led to pervasive unforgiveness and a breakdown in relationship. Because of the nature of the conflict it had effect on an entire church. It was a missed opportunity for grace, resulting in a spiraling set of decisions that the consequences that were felt deeply.
It seems much of the heartache and pain in that situation possibly could have been avoided actions could have been applied early and consistently. There are never guarantees in conflict, there is a process and even that is subject to human failings. There is something to be gleaned from this cautionary tale however. It stands as a reminder of the difficulty in healing relationships when compensating mechanisms for anger become go unaddressed or become socially accepted. (See Jerry Bridges book, respectable sins) In the end, it leads to relational separation and typically fall short of biblical resolutions. Expedited separation of relationship has become the norm in our society not the exception. (See article on Disposable Relationships) This includes marriages, friends, church members, co-workers, and staff & church leaders. It holds within its grasp a power over our churches and community that need to be identified and addressed with vigilance, grace and forgiveness.
Any relationship that persists in compensating or explaining anger in terms of indifference is subject to continued strife and is likely fail in restoring health. The size and nature of the conflict is inconsequential if one or both parties are unwilling to abandon indifference, pursue peace, humility and forgiveness in a biblical manner.
There are times and ways in which things do not work out ideally or as hoped. In the midst of the struggle, remember that even though people will not always be what you want or do the right thing, there is always hope for reconciliation and peace. It just may not be in the way you want or in the timing you may propose. The messiness of relationship is a reality of life.
Here are a few questions to consider in the hope of taking actions steps toward prevention and restoration.
For leaders:
- Should we accept indifference as a normal or acceptable position?
- In what way(s) is indifference having it’s effect on your life right now?
- Will leaders be bold to swiftly and graciously address indifference? If those who are wise could stand up, speak and engage indifference as a tool of the enemy would that prevent disruption, discouragement and divisiveness in a church body, community or workplace?
- Could it be that passivity or avoidance is grieving the Holy Spirit and injuring authentic Gospel community?
- What effect is conflict and/or indifference having on your testimony or ability to serve your community with the Gospel?
- What testimony is your ability to address such issues saying about your church and the Gospel to them?
- What can I as a leader do to help those that are struggling with indifference or abandoning peacemaking to draw them back into relationship?
- What can you do to humbly pursue peace in a situation that has already exploded or imploded? Can you consider options that my be difficult or humbling, but are right and true?
For all believers:
- Where am I allowing indifference (or any type of anger) to effect my relationships?
- Are there any relationships in which I am either the subject of indifference or the perpetuator of it? If so, what action steps are within your grasp to pursue peace?
- Am I observing indifference in someone else? If so, what can you do to confront the issue in love to help your brother or sister resist the temptation?
These are things to ponder as we lead in and toward love.